Monday, November 30, 2009

Last night I held my brand-new seven year old boy. Seven years

Last night I held my brand-new seven year old boy. Seven years old!

I pushed my nose into his hair and his neck and hung on tightly to him, my darlin', my baby boy.
Why do I need him so much? I asked myself. Because that seems to be the word I come up when I think about my feelings to this little one. I need him - he is my family's sunshine.

Seven years, and three days ago, my Nanna died in hospital in Melbourne. My Nan was also sunshine to my family, the kindest and most loving woman I have ever known - she adored me my whole life and we had a special bond. When she died I was in Perth, a long, long way away.
I was in Perth and I was going through a really horrible divorce and I was pregnant with little O. I felt like I had nobody.

Nevin pulled up that day, on my front lawn and left his 4WD engine running. My role was to go out with the two car seats and the overnight bags, waddling and struggling with a four year old and a two year old trailing behind. He would sit in the car and smoke and refuse to make eye contact.
What I should have done is throw the whole lot on the front lawn and say, "you arrogant, nasty prick, get out off your backside and come and collect your children and put their car seats into your car" but I never did do or say those things. I felt guilty and I felt ashamed because I was having our baby and I didn't want to be married to him anymore. He detested me.

So my Nan has died and I am 3000km away with my two children gone to their hostile Father. I am left alone with Nevin's Mum who, just like me, is bewildered and saddened by Nevin's behavior. She says she can't even look at him - that is not her son.

I cry and cry on the bed. I cry for my Nan, I cry for myself and I cry for my two little kids who are having a terrible, terrible time. And I cry for the baby who is coming into such a sad world with a Dad who won't acknowledge them.

But O is born and a page turns in our life. It is not a horrible world or a horrible place - when I was giving birth to him I heard my Nanna and in that trippy place of a pain so raw and heightened that my mind traveled to another land to get away from it - I got to hear Nan and talk with her again. She wasn't so far away after all.
O was born and I never looked back - I loved him instantly and fiercely and I hung onto him. He was the little bit of something wonderful for the kids and I to have in our family.

So last night as I wrapped my arms around this little boy's waist and I breathed in his hair and his smell, I remembered seven years ago how everything was dark until he was born and brought so much light. Happy Birthday, O.

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